How Black Friday Devoured the Harvest Holiday

Black Friday and its commercialism have overshadowed Thanksgiving and are now closing in on Halloween. Once, Thanksgiving was devoted to spending time with family, friends we call family, and weird uncles you wish weren’t family. Now, it’s been monopolized by the search for deals, steals, and checkout-counter death threats. We used to gather around the Thanksgiving feast and say we were thankful for our brother, our sister, or that Christmas was coming soon. Now, families order UberEats and then make a dash for the Best Buy line or stare at a computer waiting for our dear Bezos to bless us with fresh new deals. Black Friday, armed with that discounted kitchen knife set you bought from Amazon, has already murdered Thanksgiving—and Halloween is next.

The dark origin story of Black Friday started long ago, back in the 1950s and ‘60s—when phones were tethered to walls and women were tethered to their husbands (don’t get mad at me; I’m not the one who kept women from obtaining credit cards on their own until the ‘70s.) The holiday of doorbuster deals was first called “Black Friday” by the Philadelphia police department, inspired by all the traffic jams and crazed consumers drowning downtown retailers. Public relations companies in the ‘60s tried to change the name from “Black” to “Big” in an attempt to make the tryptophan-hangover day of family bonding and shopping less depressing. It’s a dark, long, and hard day where corporations pretend to bend over backward for customers in a last-ditch effort to get them to empty the remains of their wallets.

I remember as a kid in the ‘90s we only had one day of sales, so we had to think critically about where to celebrate our consumerism. Our first stop was always Best Buy for a new TV and video games, Toys “R” Us for Christmas gifts, and Walmart for everything else. If the day ended without fighting and crying then it was considered a success. A quick stop at McDonald’s for a happy meal, a ten-piece nugget, and an Oreo McFlurry (if the machine was working) completed the capitalism quest for the holiday season. That’s it. Done. One day, and the agony was over. We were tricked once into buying things we didn’t need, having given into the allure of “roll back prices” and “one day only deals.”

What was once only one day of debauchery and fighting for unbeatable bargains and steals has become so much more. Black Friday turned into Black Friday Weekend, which gobbled up Thanksgiving itself as it evolved into Black Friday week, which then gave birth to Cyber Monday, where you can sit in your recliner and buy things you don’t need, and you’ll never use. At this point, there are more versions of Black Friday than Pokemon Generations.

These Black Friday spawns influenced more unmitigated spending deal sprees, which then spawned the creation of the infamous Amazon Prime Day Deals. Eager shoppers huddle around computers, watching the timers tick down until the next sale item arrives. We watch the timer count down with anticipation like it’s the new year, but instead, we’re monitoring a bundle pack of Apple Lightning to USB cables that we don’t need but want because they’re 70% off—and dammit, we’re ALWAYS losing cables. I’ve spent hours scrolling through Prime Day deals, to find nothing but low-quality clothes from sweatshops and electronics that are built to break. Capitalism is supposed to breed competition, but I don’t think this is what Henry Ford had in mind.

I know what you’re thinking; having a few extra days of deals isn’t that bad, Mr. HeadQuest. Like a Yu-Gi-Oh Exodia Card set to obliterate, Amazon Prime Big Deal Days is extending Black Friday into October, swallowing not just one but two holidays. According to an Amazon press release, “The celebration will take place in 19 countries—Australia, Austria, Belgium, Brazil, Canada, France, Germany, Italy, Japan, Luxembourg, Netherlands, Poland, Portugal, Singapore, Spain, Sweden, United Kingdom, Turkey, and the United States.”

In my role as Chief Festivus Officer of HeadQuest, it is my duty to air my grievances each year, and I’m coming for you, Amazon Prime.

1. How dare you call “Prime Big Deal Days” a celebration? A month of discounted crappy items is not a celebration, nor is it even unique. Stores like Walmart and KMart have been doing this year-round as a business model.

2. How about adding things people actually need to your deal days like, medication, healthcare, insurance, maternity and paternity leave, mental health services, childcare, elder care, fixing social security, public transportation, and affordable education? No one needs another Alexa listening in on our conversations.

3. A Halloween costume that actually fits and doesn’t look like it was put together by a group kindergarten art class would be nice, thanks.

4. Amazon exists in over 50 countries, so why is this “celebration” only happening in 19? Are the other 31 countries not good enough for your Prime Big Deal Days? Luxembourg is so small you can barely call it a country, but South and Central America only gets Brazil?

5. Even the name of your “celebration” is as boring as white people’s fried chicken — no spice. All you did was stick “Big Deal” into your already existing “Prime Days.” Here are some alternative names for your consideration.