Urine Good Hands
There are fake urine companies, and then there are fake urine companies. Serious Monkey Bizzness is one of the latter. Made exclusively for fetishists, pranksters, and novelty enthusiasts, the goods Serious Monkey Bizzness proffers are the stuff of dreams for a small but underserved market of devotees.
The Family’s Jewels
The company has three top sellers: the Monkey Dong, the Monkey Whizz, and the Monkey Flask.
The Monkey Dong is a plastic belt attached to a rubber male organ. The dong itself, a few inches of neck and a circumcised head, comes in six skin tones to better match the wearer. It helps that its crowning glory looks like the real deal. It’s made from a rubber mold of a lifelike dildo, which gives it the look and feel of an honest prick.
Simply strap it on, fill it with fake urine, and squeeze the golden goodness out until your heart is content.
Or, if you’re not into the male-ness of it all, SMB offers the Monkey Whizz. It’s a belt made from medical-grade cotton elastic that stretches to fit all body types and can stream novelty urine without a member.
Both products come with organic heating pads and a bit of fake urine.
“We started with just those two products—the Monkey Whizz and the Monkey Dong,” says co-founder Doug Harrison. “We added the Monkey Flask as our third product a little later. We’re the only company that offers a flask shape. Most of our competitors do bottles. We wanted to do something different, something that feels a bit better. And it’s become a great seller for us.”
We get a lot of questions about how close to real urine it is. And this is as close as you can get without being the real thing.
What’s in a Name?
When Ray Kroc last met with the McDonald brothers to buy the rights to their restaurant, he let them in on a secret. Sure, he could’ve built a competitor. He had the means and ability to start and franchise a new fast-food joint, but he knew it would never be successful. A shrewd and uncompromising businessman, Kroc revealed that there was one thing he couldn’t re-create: the name.
He later recounted, “It sounded wholesome, and it sounded genuine. I don’t like these gimmick-type names, burger-this or burger-that. McDonald’s sounds like Tiffany’s, which I think we are the Tiffany’s of fast food.”
There’s a similar magic to the name “Serious Monkey Bizzness.”
Run it through a college-level English class analysis, and it’s clear there’s a lot going on with those three words. The name is an oxymoron that smashes two opposite terms together while making nods to both the act of intercourse and the high-quality products. It’s earnest but also fun, evocative but not descriptive, and—importantly for the folks who order online but prefer their kinks discreet—doesn’t imply fake urine.
“I wasn’t sure about the name at first,” Harrison admits. “It was my partner’s idea. The people I talked with were mixed on it when I first told them, but after 14 years, it’s clear that people really do seem to like it.”
Yet it’s the logo that really draws a crowd.
For years, Serious Monkey Bizzness advertised their wares (in the pages of this magazine and others) with a comic strip involving the adventures of their titular monkey.
“I was at a convention, and a guy came up to me and pointed out that our logo doesn’t mention what our products are, and then he asked why not,” Harrison said. “I told him that it draws people in that way. People have really responded to the logo and the name. It’s been something that gets their interest, and they want to know more.”
Take the Pepsi Challenge
Of course, the biggest draw is the urine. And by all standards, SMB produces high-quality stuff. It’s almost indistinguishable from the real deal, provided you’re not looking for a whiff of asparagus.
You want uric acid? It’s in there. Urea? Check and double-check. Even its golden hue is spot-on yellow. It’s got everything real urine should have—and nothing it shouldn’t.
“We get a lot of questions about how close to real urine it is. And this is as close as you can get without being the real thing,” Harrison says. “The difference between our urine and what our competitors offer is that we don’t have any sort of biocide in it. Ours will grow bacteria in it if you leave it out, just like real urine will. That’s probably the biggest difference.”
The only thing that doesn’t come with a flask of the good stuff is the temperature. Fortunately, SMB has a few tricks for that.
“Our heating products, they’re not like the hand warmers you can buy at the gas station. These are something we had specially made for our products. They will heat up the urine to the same temperature it would be in your body, which is about 98.6 degrees,” Harrison says. “With some of our products, like the dong and the Monkey Whizz, they keep the urine close to your body, and your body will actually heat it up most of the way to about 94 degrees or so. But if you want it to be as authentic as possible, you can use these heating pads and get it all the way there.”
The heating pads are intuitive to use. Just slap one on, and your novelty pee will stay warm for up to eight hours. That’s a full workday full of golden confidence.
The Monkey Whizz, Monkey Dong, and Monkey Flask all come with heating pads. More urine and pads are sold separately.
